I repulse myself sometimes.
Months of being overweight have finally weighed down my mind. I’m sure another cycle of depression is starting, but I am beginning to loathe every part of my body. My sick brain tells me you are fat, therefore worthless. Instead of doing something about it – changing my diet, exercising more – I soothe myself with comfort food and shopping. Fuck.
And what’s a girl to do when even her own influences – other moms, people her age, popular bloggers, media coverage, “friends” – are openly hateful of “fat”? Completely unsupportive? Humble-bragging about adhering to cultural standards of perfection? This goes back to my insecurity and fear about putting myself out there. It has burned me in the past. As far back as third grade, when a supposed friend told me in gymnastics class, “I hate to tell you this, but you look fat in your leotard.” I never went back to gymnastics after that class ended.
For what it’s worth, she was always a bitch.
We shouldn’t let bitches get us down, but I do, and getting over it is a lifelong thing, clearly. Besides that comment, I was mostly exempt from a lot of physical disses from my peers (or maybe I just forgot most of them). A lot of the influential ladies in my life growing up openly despised their bodies, which is what was impressed upon me the most. In front of a young girl, women whom I saw as incredible would wax damn near poetic about their imperfect noses, their ugly hair color, their big thighs. Fad diets and exercise programs paraded through my life like boyfriends: exciting at first, then annoying, then gone.
I am so careful to avoid emphasis on my own daughter’s appearance. While I don’t feel that we should completely avoid telling our girls that they are pretty, that is not the only complimentary words she ever hears from me. Her creative endeavors, academic efforts, sense of humor, attitude, as well as her physical appearance all get equal praise.
Anyway, there’s no moral to this post. I’m just repeating what so many people have said before (and better than I have). Changing negative perception is fucking difficult. We all can certainly try, though.