and I was running.

My relationship over the past year or so with Couch-to-5K has been sporadic at best. You know, Couch-to-0.5k-to-couch-to-walking-to-couch-to-a-very-slow-5k-to-oh-for-fuck’s-sake-give-up-already. And we don’t even have a couch, just a loveseat in dire need of replacement and a really comfortable leather recliner I have commandeered. So, Leather Recliner to 5k, here I come. Again. My dude and I started it earlier this year, but as usual, something got in the way and I am on hiatus with week 3.

After having my IUD removed in June I have gained about 45 pounds, which is just terrible. None of my pants fit anymore. I live in comfy skirts and a pair of “skinny” (HA!) jeans that I bought recently. If I weren’t regularly being visited by the red dragon, I would almost think I was pregnant. I even get phantom womb kicks and it’s really fucking with my baby fever. TMI? IDC.

I have a few vague goals. My main is weight loss, but more importantly, health. I am still trying to figure out if it’s worse for me to have an actual number in mind to haunt and taunt and maybe even inspire me – x pounds lost by x date, x pounds overall, x-minute 5k – or simply: do better. Be better. Simple, but also unstructured and leaving less room for discipline. I am terrible about disciplining myself … clearly: hello, 45 pounds.

Unfortunately, my brain confuses discipline with self-berating. “Nice job, lazy, you managed to read 500 pages of a book but you can’t jog for a total of 10 minutes? Most of it’s walking for Chrissake. No wonder you are almost in the 200s.” (By the way, I haven’t weighed this much since I was pregnant almost four years ago. WITH A TEN POUND BABY.) I then discourage myself, and berate myself even further, and it’s a really stupid vicious cycle. Why yes, I am crazy. Mind if I take a Prozac?

So, let’s take a walk on the positive side. Even though I am still rather picky, my taste buds have evolved to like – even crave – green things. Fruit, eh. Not so much. But broccoli? Asparagus? Spinach? Yes, please. Just 5 years ago I would have never touched most of the things I eat now. A marked improvement I owe to many people, but mostly my husband who not only cooks delicious things for me but encourages me to try new things.

I also have grown to LOVE jogging. My brain goes far, far away and I find my happy place there. It took quite a while for me to get there mentally. Running used to be extraordinarily difficult. It took all of my will power to make it to just that next mailbox. Pass one more tree, just one. To that next driveway – you can and will do it. Now I am surprised at the end of each run, how short it was and how entirely not difficult it seemed. I owe this to learning how to hold my body properly – proper footfall, good posture, arms held close to the torso, relaxed wrists, shoulders still and not swinging around. I keep in mind that I want my body to work efficiently, instead of against itself. It did require a bit of training, as I would constantly fall back into that detrimental gait. And this is all probably very common knowledge, but it was like I found Nirvana when I started running correctly.

No matter which route I take mentally, I am going to try. I won’t beat myself up if I fail, because I will just keep trying.

And a cute running outfit can’t hurt (I NEED THOSE SHOES WHY ARE THEY SOLD OUT EVERYWHERE):

evening jog
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One response to “and I was running.

  1. Pingback: fat brain | hot nonsense

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